Monthly Archives: February 2015

Puns for the educated mind

Puns for Educated Minds

  1. 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too   much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  3. She was only a whisky puns_bad_jokesmaker,but he loved her still.
  1. . A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  4.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  5. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  6.  A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking  into it.
  7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:  ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
  10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  12. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  14. A backward poet writes inverse.
  15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  17. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
  18. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The flight attendant looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
  19. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
  20.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  21. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
  22. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  23. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

 

 

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Word play — funny definitions

Word play comes in many forms.

Here are some examples of funny definitions for everyday words.    (Thanks to a friend and reader of this blog, Don Reilly, for this contribution.  Check out some of his photos at DJR Imaging)

funny_word_definitions

1.  ARBITRATOR:  A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2.  AVOIDABLE:  What a bullfighter tries to do

  1. BERNADETTE:  The act of torching a mortgage
  1. BURGLARIZE:  What a crook sees with
  1. CONTROL:  A short, ugly inmate
  1. COUNTERFEITERS:  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  1. ECLIPSE: What an Cockney barber does for a living
  1. EYEDROPPER:  A clumsy Ophthalmologist
  1. HEROES:  What a guy in a boat does
  1. LEFT BANK:  What the robber did when his bag was full of money
  1. MISTY: How golfers create divots
  1. PARADOX:  Two physicians
  1. PARASITES:  What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
  1. PHARMACIST:  A helper on the farm
  1. POLARIZE:  What penguins see with
  1. PRIMATE:  Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
  1. RELIEF:  What trees do in the spring
  1. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
  1. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
  1. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

 

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Spellcheck and autocorrect humor

autocorrect_sign-oops

Spellcheck Humor

I don’t often post or pass along internet jokes, but I am going to make an exception for this one.  Some time ago, I did a blog post on spell checking, and I think this falls in that category.

Here is the humor:

A man received the following e-mail from his neighbo​r :

“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around.

In fact, I have probably been on more than you.

I do not get it at home – but that’s no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.”

On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second e-mail came in, “Damn ​spell check!!

Sorry, Bob, the second sentence should refer to your wifi.”

 

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